Southern Ape

Bandito Simian-Discipline Master

He's six-foot-three of pure unadulterated soul surfing gingerness; what can we say? He was blessed at birth! Southern Monkey is "well into (his) animals" (in a good way) and is presently residing in one of the finer surf-blessed areas of the country - he works at Paignton Zoo - after having escaped the flat, cold east-coast. He now works with a bunch of apes that very closely resemble some of the Bandito posse, and he doesn't mean they're big, cute and cuddly - more like big destructive thrill seekers.

"I'm a longboarder for life as it is my belief that everything is more fun with a big stick (women, waves and skateparks), so spend as much time in the water as possible on my 9' 1" Custard Point. When those long flat spells hit I revert to the beast that is my 5' longboard skateboard, and continue to tear it up in the Southwest, which tends to result in a lot of AIAs (Alcohol Induced Accidents)."

His favourite break is Saunton, with Puts and Woolly close seconds (best on a summers evening in 3-4ft of uncrowded surf with the sun setting in the background).

Monkey's top tracks for amping and chilling:

• Just about anything, it's all good! - Queen
• Wires - Athlete
• Little Acorns - White Stripes The Thrills
• Superstition - Stevie Wonder
• Rollercoaster - Red Hot Chili Peppers
• All My Life - Foo Fighters
• Scientist - Coldplay
• You Can't Rollerskate In A Buffalo Herd - Roger Miller
• My Way - Frank Sinatra
• If My Life Doesn't Go As Planned (Tarzan) - The Burt Miller Band
• Losing My Religion - REM
• All old cheesy, old-skool hip hop rocks: Kriss Kross - Jump Salt & Pepper - Push It are always good (just don't tell any one)

Some of Monkey's favourite things:

• Apres-surf drinking hole: Jack's
• After work pub: Diggy's Irish Bar
• Club: has to be the one the only Marisco Disco
• Drink: the nectar of the Gods - cider
• Fodder: it has to be any home cooked English food - fry-ups or roast beef are top of the list

A final word.

To any of you goatboating and bodyboarding scum: if you drop in on me one more time I'm going to come round your pad, drill holes in your boats and boards and then set my monkeys loose to rape, pillage and destroy your home. Then send the gorillas round to beat the crap out off you.

I know where you live.