So here it is, the definitive glasto review!

The abridged version:
It was sunny, and we saw some good bands, then it rained and we saw some good bands, but some of the bands weren't that good, but some of them were really really good. Glastonbury was very good.

The full version (apologies for some weird uses of punctuation):
Friday kicked off with some really funky tunes on the main stage from some norwegian dudes called Ralph Myerz and the Jack Herren band. They were mad, had two drummers and one guitarist and had the plug pulled on them mid song because they didn't want to leave the stage! later on it was all sun and beers at the other stage with some I am Kloot who were nice. Sadly, Badly Drawn Boy replaced Jet in the lineup, music was nice but he is a complete tw@t between tunes. we went for a walk to the green fields and had a chat to a man in a dress before returning in time for Snow Patrol who were fab, they were really humbled and genuinely impressed when the audience sang the chorus of Run back at them. Obviously a major experience for those boys and pretty good for us punters as well. Franz Ferdinand followed and secured a place on my album must buy list almost immediately. Later, on the pyramid we saw Kings Of Leon, who, with the obvious weight of expectation on their shoulders, just failed to deliver. Singer dude had the worst slade haircut I have ever seen, but that aside they just didn't perform. There was a complete lack of rock posturing and slade haircut's voice was so nasal it went way beyond distinctive into incomprehensible. We didn't bother staying for Oasis; why anyone would want to see this over rated, under talented chav band is beyond me. So we went to the bakery for a big cream bun and caught the start of the Chemical Brothers set. They were mind blowing as usual, even in our advanced state of being knackered (got up too early because of all the excitement) we got jiggy among the masses. I am always a little bit unsure exactly what they do with those banks of electronic machinery, but they had a great light show, some good back drops and they cut some fantastic rock-indie-dance shapes. we were too tired to stay, so took a walk up to the new tent to catch Spirtualized who I think were probably awesome, but we were dead on our feet so stayed for a few tunes and then hit the tent.

Saturday was the best day, despite the rain. We slept in and didn't make it down to the main arena for ages, so sadly missed Sister Sledge on the main stage. Roger confirmed via text that they were the mad notes. Shame, but sleep was needed. So we cruised down to the other stage to catch Simple Kid - think evil country with samples and sequencers sung by an Irishman with a welsh banjophonist! Bloody brilliant. They were followed by Keane, who in my pre-formed opinion, based on one single, were the new Travis. However, the lack of guitars didn't prevent some quality rock postures, the drummer and keyboardist resembled thunderbirds puppets on speed whilst singer danced around the stage with occasional Pete Townshend-esque air guitar moves, he resembled Jude's cousin and had a pretty damn impressive voice. The audience enjoyed it, so did Jude, and I got to admit, they were entertaining. Album's on the list. A move to the pyramid meant that we caught the end of the Lost Prophets, who were quite frankly a wee bit gaymetal. Ben Harper was up next, his band (the Innocent Criminals) are awesome and Ben's skills on the electric zither are legendary for good reason. The suitably monikored Big Daddy on bass confirmed Roger's theory of finest bassists - they are either fat or sexy. Some really arse kicking funky bass solo's ensued and their version of Whole Lotta Love was ace. Yet the best was to come as Steal My Kisses stole the show with major crowd participtaion. They would have been the band of the weekend if it wasn't for the monkeys on the sound desk having Ben's vocal levels way too low for half the set and not allowing his quite amazing voice to shine through. We were forced to miss the end because I had to see British Sea Power; we arrived only in time for the last four tunes, but really glad we made the move. They had no problem living up to their reputation of their mad stage shows, and the vocals were well above any expectations. The stage was decorated in foliage and multiple stuffed birds. The final song culminated in a 10 foot bear invading the stage, the keyboardist getting in the crowd wearing a World War One army helmet banging a huge drum above his head, the band swapping instruments (including the bear playing for a bit), the guitarist swinging a stuffed albatross on the end of a stick over the audience before climbing halfway up the girders on the side of the other stage (that will be about 30ft-40ft off the deck). They were awesome, if you ever get the chance go see them live you will not be disappointed. Next we were back at the pyramid for some Starsailor, who werent bad. they had the charlies guitarist giving some axe support. Jude liked them because they were nice boys who can sing well and don't swear on stage (see Keane) >:>) It was pie time so a nice chicken leek and ham beauty from the Square Pie Company filled a gap until we returned to see Macca. Paul McCartney! I never planned to see him, because of all the Beatles he is my least favourite, but still, he was in the beatles and promised to play some of the old tunes. And it was good, he even played Yellow Submarine!! And Jude was dead chuffed he played Hey Jude with full audience partcipation which seemed to go on for ages, so many Las!!Ê70,000 people singing your name has got to be good in anyones opinion! Sadly, he didn't play Mull Of Kintyre! >;>P

Sunday, it was dry then it rained and got super gloopy. but before that the English National Opera played, it was packed! A bit mad and lots of wailing. No apocalypse now helicopters tho' which was disappointing (they played wagner). Then used the flush loos. Mmm...flush....mmmm.. Then Zutons for two songs. not at all bad. Then back for Joss Stone. A young gent in the audience behind me shouted "Joss you're fit!" which echoed the sentiments of the male population of the audience, however, she was working the stage in an almost britney-esque manner, and altho her voice is pretty bloody amazing, her own songs were weak and far too pop. The covers on her album were soul tunes, and I was hoping she would be singing some proper dirty southern soul or maybe some motown classics. But I left disappointed. Ho hum. We returned to our tent to restock the beer pouch just in time for the rainstorm so got rekitted in waterproofs and wellies and hit the pyramid stage for wife-beating soul godfather James Brown. He was funky. Next up Supergrass and they rocked! The heavens opened and it was coming down like stair-rods as they played Pumpin' On Your Stereo, but the crowd roared and we got down and danced, doing the welly boot groove!! Then the sun shone and a rainbow appeared from the green fields. They even played Going Out - major crowd pleaser! Chilled out for a bit at the acoustic stage to Suzanne Vega, but missed her playing Tom's Diner, because we went for a mexican, which we ate at the jazz stage whilst Bonnie Raitt was doing her thing. Jude and I went back to the pyramid for headliners, Muse. Jude was wearing her Aggregate industries fluo jacket and drinking red wine from a volvic mineral water bottle. she looked like WPC Pikey! Muse were quite stunning in the music department but far too whiny in the singing, so we watched a few and went to find Roy Ayers on the jazz stage. Sadly the funk legend and creator of Acid Jazz had to cancel last minute. We couldn't face any more trudging thru the sludge so ended up in the theatre watching some weird, weird weird psychologically damaging "performance" consisting of a man just wearing white doing the robot to some evil repetitive beats produced by a casio keyboard. It was horrible, so I went to sleep. We then trudged back thru the acres of mud to the Greenpeace tent for a nice cup of tea (am i getting old?) before returning to our tent at about one AM. up at five to pack up and hit the road before all the queues.

It was Marvellous. I shall be returning next year. Come with me!

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